Another Fascinating Narcissistic Charming Intellectual

Why Dogs Bite

Like Cosmetic doctors who see so much beauty they go insane, and firemen who get told they are a hero for the umpteenth time, dogs bite and they bite for good reason. I don’t really blame them. Asking a dog not to bite is a bit like giving someone who really, really hates ducks a machine gun and surprising them one day with a million ducks that are highly attracted to mentally disturbed individuals. But I don’t think we should blame dogs for biting, because I think I know why they bite–

It’s because of us, of course. Or, more precisely, those of us who love and spoil dogs so much that we put on a daft voice and bombard them with love. As soon as we get a dog we tell he / she that they are the greatest thing: a “good boy” or “good girl”. This then progresses to the slightly more worrying “very good girl” or “very good boy”. In the most extreme cases things turn sinister. The owner starts to call them funny things, inventing weird names for them that slowly but surely confuse the dog, thus driving it crazy. After a while this dog, so loved and so cherished, flips out. After being told for the three millionth time that he / she couldn’t be any better, the dog decides to fight back, asserting my theory that every creature realizes that once ultimate perfection has been achieved, there is simply nowhere else to go. Nothing to do.